Growing pains

A few thousand years ago, Moses prayed, "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:12). Wisdom is not knowledge; it's not "smarts" or some kind of halo that glows over the heads of those who have are more advanced in years. Wisdom is a gift from God that comes when you seek to aquire the right perspective on things--in other words, HIS perspective. Having things in the right perspective brings you understanding.

Since the purpose of this blog was to give updates to friends and family about how I was doing in the Dominican Republic, I wasn't intending to continue writing when I returned home. (And I'm not sure who all was really reading anyway :-) ) And I have that delightfully obnoxious demotivational quote from Despair, Inc. clanging around in my head: "Blogging: never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few." *sigh* Sad, but true. HOWEVER, those few might really enjoy the little said by so many. Thus, I write anyway. And ALSO because my dear friend Amy Babb said I should. So Amy Babb, I dedicate my blog posts from this point on to YOU with all my heart :-) Thanks for caring, for your encouragement, and for challenging me in the many, many ways you have over the past year and four months that I've known you. I truly appreciate you more than words can say.

When I look back over the past four months that I've been home I see myself wrestling with issues deeper than just readjustment back to my American life. God has used this time to bring deeper issues to the surface of the "soil" of my soul; issues like identity, loneliness, security, etc.--all of those weird struggles that make the teen years (which I am well out of by now, I might add) and the transition to adulthood so notoriously awkward and personal.

So that's the short summary of what's been happening with me over the past few months. If you don't want the nitty gritty details, I encourage you to skip ahead to the pictures at the bottom of the blog. Otherwise, brace yourself, because in the next few paragraphs I'm going to spill my guts for any interested person to read. Yikes.

Identity. Picture square peg vs. round hole. I no longer fit into my old niche in the family and didn't really want to anyway. I had changed and grown up a lot and coming home made me feel obligated to be a child again. There is a healthy type of fulfillment that comes when you become an adult, making your own decisions, exercising responsiblity and maturity, serving others, and developing an identity of your own apart from the family unit. I love my family and love the security of home, but I had tried my wings once and loved the challenges of flying.

The hardest thing by far was church. Spiritually, I grew more than I had realized in the D.R. I had learned to pursue God on my own and made my faith my own. God had faithfully and gently stripped me of myself, wowed me with an enlarged understanding of Who He is, and challenged all my lazy, Sunday-school answers and assumptions about what it means to love Him and pursue Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Coming home meant instant confrontation between me and my old self, including the obligatory compulsion to squish my relationship with God back into the family unit's faith and the family unit's church. NOT that my family and I disagree on theology or something! NOT AT ALL! I have tremendous respect for my parents and their spiritual leadership and for their deep and humble relationship with the Lord. I guess I just don't know how to reconcile the family with the big gap between where I was spiritually before I left and where I am now. For some reason it's hard to talk about.

I also find myself more and more able to identify with a different church family than the one my family is a part of, which has understandably caused some friction at home. I feel guilty about it, but I just can't help it. While I respect my home church and deeply love all the people there, I somehow just don't fit anymore. It's so hard to explain in words! I want to grow in Christ and it feels like there is so much more room to do so at this other church. Is this rooted in some kind of pride of autonomy, or is it the nudging of the Spirit, as I had always assumed? I question only because I know how sneaky self-deception can be...

Concerning loneliness, I didn't realize how starved I had been for deep, meaningful friendships with people my own age/stage of life until I went to the Dominican. I had grown up with a cozy, tight group of friends that I had met mainly through our church. But as time goes on, life naturally changes. People move, move on, grow up, grow apart, college happens, etc. Now we are spread out quite a bit and hardly ever see each other. It's one of those annoying things about growing up. Frankly, I've had almost no one at church my own age for years--literally years. And because of my family's busy farming schedule we don't often get the chance to regularly hang out with very many people outside of church. Taking online college courses (althought their time flexibility is fantastic!) didn't help. I worked at home, did my courses at home, and our church is very small.

Needless to say, the people I lived and worked with in the Dominican Republic were a HUGE blessing to me personally and I grew very close to my friends there. Coming home was understandable difficult. It was like, whoosh!, a vital support system for me was gone and I was a bit shell-shocked for several weeks. Then the loneliness kind of stalks you for weeks and months, creeping in and settling like a cloud over you when you least expect it, and melting away only when you can busy yourself enough to be distracted for a while. Eventually you learn to cope, to put down new roots, to look elsewhere for new friendships to nurture. My new friends at this second church have been a lifesaver, and particularly my good friend Maryann.

But my time at home has not been all bad--not at all! I've had many wonderful times spent with family and have had to chance to again enjoy the seasons on the farm and the crazy, but beautiful, Indiana weather. Right now we have a fluffy blanket of snow covering the ground with more giant clusters of flakes floating down every second. Simply stunning! And, for your enjoyment, here are a few random photos from this fall:

Moving cows to new pasture (our dog insists on riding with us):

Milking:

My sister Adrienne and I took a trip to Montana at the beginning of September to visit our cousin, Gina, and her family:



Gina and her husband Jake:


Demolition derby we went to in Ohio with some friends (and, yes, I am a bit of a red neck, which is probably why I had so much fun!):

Maryann and I visited Karissa, one of the interns we lived with over the summer in the D.R.:


Lisa and Katrina graciously volunteered to act in a short video project I had to make for one of my communication courses:

Extended family viewing the finished video at Thanksgiving:



Some fall color:

Vaccinating heifers:

Over my two-week Christmas break from school, I've been packing for Virginia. I'm moving to Regent University's campus in Virginia Beach on the 2nd of January because I have to finish my cinema-television degree on campus. I'm a junior this year, so just one more year to go!