How to distress a teapot

I feel slightly guilty.

I'm sitting before my computer researching ways to destroy Mrs. Pots. And not just a let's-run-over-her-with-my-car-and-see-what-happens kind of destruction. It must look unplanned, accidental, unavoidable--the perfect crime.

I thought I had something when I planned to buy a pack of steel wool and just scratch her to death, but on closer inspection I discovered that her perfect porcelain skin was labeled extremely durable and I rejected that idea. Extra-rough sandpaper? Maybe. Chemicals? Too complicated. Throw her down the stairs? Humph. What good would that do?

Perhaps I can just kick her around the parking lot. She's bound to be scratched up at least a little! (excited shiver) Maybe even dented!

The internet is usually a wealth of information about topics like these, but this time it's really missing the mark. It seems like everyone online wants to fix the very problems I'm trying to cause; at least that's all the info I can find. I may have to conjure up my own methods of destruction. Gosh, and all because she's porcelain-coated and not just metal! Why does she have to be so difficult?!

The art department of the film industry is an odd and backwards buisness. We take items that are perfectly good and ruin them--on purpose. We stain cloth, make blood out of corn syrup and food coloring, rip clothes, bend metal, smash bricks, crack glass and make wood look like it's been through a war. Our cool cousin, the special effects department, blows things up. It's awesome.

In the art department we also have to know random facts, like exactly how long it takes a hot plate to get red-hot, or whether a 5-inch clay flower pot will crack or shatter when dropped from a height of 36 inches, or what kind of styrofoam looks most like metal when painted, or how much impact a mop handle can "handle" (haha) during a stunt fight. Almost everything we learn is through trial and error--either ours or someone else's. Experimenting is the fun (and expensive) part!

So these kinds of questions are things I'm going to be dealing with this week. I'm doing production design/props for a grad student's film this weekend. It's a smaller shoot, which is really nice, and the storyline sounds interesting and fairly simple for production design. Since we're nearing the end of the semester I couldn't have committed to anything bigger at the moment. I need to finish some of my own projects and have time to enjoy the last few weeks of this school year. I've been blessed to be able to work on more shoots this semester than ever before and I'm loving it! You know that you've earned a good reputation when people you don't known terribly well ask you to help out. Becoming known is so important in this industry, and school is supposed to be practice for the real world.

The director of the project for this weekend is a grad student who is working on her portfolio piece. I met her in January on a film shoot and worked with her briefly on an undergrad film last weekend. Her name is Mary, she's a fun and fabulous person, has a good reputation, is really easy to get along with, and I love her artistic vision. I had told myself last weekend that I was done with shoots for the semester, but when she asked me I was so honored I couldn't help but say yes--especially when I read her script. And the crew will be me and her and ten guys, and I figured that was a very nice ratio ;-) Just kidding, but it is funny!

Back to the task at hand.

Rust. Now that is a bigger issue than just scratches. How can I make Mrs. Pots' stainless steel handle have a touch of rust by next Thursday? I can't fake it with paint because they are actually going to use the prop on set and I'm afraid the paint will smoke and burn off. Come on, Google, give me something here...Sigh....All I can find is chemical methods. Fail, fail, fail. I don't have the time, money, location or knowledge to work with chemicals like that.

Well, parking lot it is. I'm going to run outside and drag Mrs. Pots around between parked cars for a while. If that doesn't work...uh...I don't know...I guess I'll figure it out later.