I'm wearing fuzzy boots and a fluffy white sweater while drinking a lovely hazelnut latte--the perfect way to start a post-Daniel Fast morning.
I just completed my first Daniel Fast. I like vegetables, fruit, seeds, nuts, and whole grains already, so the food was actually good! And I feel good. My energy has been more stable than it has in a long time.
Also, my boyfriend's mom introduced me to a fantastic Daniel Fast snack: kale chips. You take kale and spread it out on a baking sheet, drizzle it with a little bit of olive oil, sprinkle it with a touch of salt and bake it for 10-12 minutes or until the edges get crispy but not burnt. It's a crunchy, tasty, super healthy alternative to potato chips. And they fill you up!
Fasting from coffee, though, was TOUGH. It's my favorite beverage and I'm a barista, so I'm around it 35+ hours every week.
But I've very glad I did it. I've never fasted from real food this long. (I fasted from sugar for 30 days once before.) On the Daniel Fast you can't have meat, dairy, yeast or sugar. And before you say,"Oh that's easy," try reading the ingredients on the foods you buy every week in the grocery store. Basically I only shopped in the produce section of the store for a month. I'm glad I'm not actually a vegan because they can't eat ANYTHING fun.
Why fast? My church was doing it as part of a "reset" for the new year. It was a time of focusing on prayer, the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit, thankfulness for the year before, and seeking God for the year ahead. For me, it was also an outward profession of trust and coming into agreement with a prophetic word someone gave me at the beginning of January.
The word was that I am loved, that I am seen and not forgotten, that this is going to be a year of breakthrough for me, and that I must keep my eyes open because my "breakthrough" won't be as I expect.
I feel like I've been pressing in for so long! I've been trying to choose trust in the middle of uncertainty, insecurity, financial pressures, a frightening lack of vision and purpose, and the danger of becoming personally stagnant. The word I received was a direct confirmation that God has been saying to me what I thought He was saying. Confirming it through someone who doesn't know my situation was deeply encouraging. God does speak, He cares deeply, and I believe He dreams bigger than we ever could.
The word I would choose to define the past year and my current situation? Confusion. I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile. I'm getting older but not moving forward in any way. I'm not becoming more secure or independent financially. I have no career. And the worst part is that I have no idea what I want out of life. I know the 20s are a time of huge transition and personal change but I really, really, REALLY hate it right now. I feel stuck and useless. I know I want to feel fulfilled, to grow as an artist and a person, to be in community and to make a difference in someone's life, but those are vague desires. I want to know what they mean FOR ME and for my daily existence.
I've been applying to places, talking to people, sending out "feelers" as they say. No bites yet. I keep running into brick walls.
My prayer for months has been that He would give me His vision: that He would open doors that need to be opened and shut doors that need to be shut, that He would move me where I need to be, that He would give me a passion and purpose for something, and that He would provide for me financially. I think something is coming...hopefully soon. I need something to shake up my life a little. I don't believe I've been in this cramped and uncomfortable time of waiting for no reason. There must be a purpose.
There has been one HUGE and significant blessing in this hard season: a good man. :) Yes, I'm dating a wonderful guy named Justin. He's an extremely talented animation student at Regent, a creative genius, and an actor. (In fact, he's at CBN playing a druggie in a reenactment scene this morning. Haha!) If it weren't for him, I think I would have given up and gone home a long time ago. He's been my support, my best friend, my faithful and honest critic, my constant source of encouragement, and my comic relief! His parents have also been a second family to me. They're really wonderful!
I don't know what the future holds, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And praying--ALWAYS praying--and trying not to get bogged down in negative emotion while I'm in this uncomfortable season. After all, I have a God who cares deeply about me, I have my daily bread, a family that loves me, a wonderful man to hold my hand, and good friends nearby. The essentials for a happy life are all around me.
Maybe one day I'll look back on all of this and laugh at myself. Maybe one day I'll be thankful for this time of uncertainty. As they say, it's the hard times that shape us most and make us who we're supposed to be. And right now I'm sick of writing about myself so I'm going to stop. :)
