With eyes open

I'm wearing fuzzy boots and a fluffy white sweater while drinking a lovely hazelnut latte--the perfect way to start a post-Daniel Fast morning.

I just completed my first Daniel Fast. I like vegetables, fruit, seeds, nuts, and whole grains already, so the food was actually good! And I feel good. My energy has been more stable than it has in a long time.

Also, my boyfriend's mom introduced me to a fantastic Daniel Fast snack: kale chips. You take kale and spread it out on a baking sheet, drizzle it with a little bit of olive oil, sprinkle it with a touch of salt and bake it for 10-12 minutes or until the edges get crispy but not burnt. It's a crunchy, tasty, super healthy alternative to potato chips. And they fill you up!

Fasting from coffee, though, was TOUGH. It's my favorite beverage and I'm a barista, so I'm around it 35+ hours every week.

But I've very glad I did it. I've never fasted from real food this long. (I fasted from sugar for 30 days once before.) On the Daniel Fast you can't have meat, dairy, yeast or sugar. And before you say,"Oh that's easy," try reading the ingredients on the foods you buy every week in the grocery store. Basically I only shopped in the produce section of the store for a month. I'm glad I'm not actually a vegan because they can't eat ANYTHING fun.

Why fast? My church was doing it as part of a "reset" for the new year. It was a time of focusing on prayer, the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit, thankfulness for the year before, and seeking God for the year ahead. For me, it was also an outward profession of trust and coming into agreement with a prophetic word someone gave me at the beginning of January.

The word was that I am loved, that I am seen and not forgotten, that this is going to be a year of breakthrough for me, and that I must keep my eyes open because my "breakthrough" won't be as I expect.

I feel like I've been pressing in for so long! I've been trying to choose trust in the middle of uncertainty, insecurity, financial pressures, a frightening lack of vision and purpose, and the danger of becoming personally stagnant. The word I received was a direct confirmation that God has been saying to me what I thought He was saying. Confirming it through someone who doesn't know my situation was deeply encouraging. God does speak, He cares deeply, and I believe He dreams bigger than we ever could.

The word I would choose to define the past year and my current situation? Confusion. I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile. I'm getting older but not moving forward in any way. I'm not becoming more secure or independent financially. I have no career. And the worst part is that I have no idea what I want out of life. I know the 20s are a time of huge transition and personal change but I really, really, REALLY hate it right now. I feel stuck and useless. I know I want to feel fulfilled, to grow as an artist and a person, to be in community and to make a difference in someone's life, but those are vague desires. I want to know what they mean FOR ME and for my daily existence.

I've been applying to places, talking to people, sending out "feelers" as they say. No bites yet. I keep running into brick walls.

My prayer for months has been that He would give me His vision: that He would open doors that need to be opened and shut doors that need to be shut, that He would move me where I need to be, that He would give me a passion and purpose for something, and that He would provide for me financially. I think something is coming...hopefully soon. I need something to shake up my life a little. I don't believe I've been in this cramped and uncomfortable time of waiting for no reason. There must be a purpose.

There has been one HUGE and significant blessing in this hard season: a good man. :) Yes, I'm dating a wonderful guy named Justin. He's an extremely talented animation student at Regent, a creative genius, and an actor. (In fact, he's at CBN playing a druggie in a reenactment scene this morning. Haha!) If it weren't for him, I think I would have given up and gone home a long time ago. He's been my support, my best friend, my faithful and honest critic, my constant source of encouragement, and my comic relief! His parents have also been a second family to me. They're really wonderful!

I don't know what the future holds, but I'm keeping my eyes open. And praying--ALWAYS praying--and trying not to get bogged down in negative emotion while I'm in this uncomfortable season. After all, I have a God who cares deeply about me, I have my daily bread, a family that loves me, a wonderful man to hold my hand, and good friends nearby. The essentials for a happy life are all around me.

Maybe one day I'll look back on all of this and laugh at myself. Maybe one day I'll be thankful for this time of uncertainty. As they say, it's the hard times that shape us most and make us who we're supposed to be. And right now I'm sick of writing about myself so I'm going to stop. :)

My daily bread

I'm learning to live in the moment. And to let it be enough.

To enjoy God's presence in this present breath and just trust Him for the next one.

It's hard because we feel like if we can know the next step, if we can have some sort of a goal or sense of purpose, and if there's an end in mind...THEN we're ok. But what that really is is a sense of control.

Control is a deeply rooted desire in the heart of every human. I'm not immune; I feel it's pull.

Trust.

Everything comes back to trust. Everything. Even feelings of loneliness or aimlessness. We have to choose to trust with what we don't understand. We choose to trust that God is good, even when we can't see it and can't feel it, and we make this choice by faith because we acknowledge how finite and limited we are in ourselves. We can't see all ends--and thank God! I don't think we could handle it.

God gives us what we need, when we need it and not a second before. Because He knows better.

All of this is to say, I'm still waiting on God for many things. However, He's given me a quick glimpse at the light at the end of the tunnel. Or potential end of the tunnel, I should say, because when you reach the end of one, there's usually another one waiting. I say that with a smile. The trust walk is a beautiful thing when we stop fighting for control and just be receptive. I'm still working on that.

A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from a producer/tv host at a well-known Christian television station here in the area. She was looking for a production assistant for a few shoots coming up, and I was recommended by a former co-worker of mine. I immediately took the gig. Long story short: she and I work really well together and she loves me :) She's trying to get me a full-time position as an "assistant to the producer" which would involve a lot of fun, random jobs like script editing, talent coordinating, answering fan mail, working with camera guys and editors, and giving creative input on a series she's working on. But the current budget is really tight, so although the addition of an assistant position has been approved, it can't quite happen yet. I have to wait. January is the target, she says.

This job would be HUGE for me. It would give me a lot of experience in a lot of different areas of production, it would help me build a bigger network and make a lot of connections, and would enable me to be more settled financially. Not to mention that it would be really, really fun!

Right now I'm praying and waiting. I'm sort of "on call," meaning I go in once a week or so and help with whatever she needs. That is helping me out financially, too, but it would be nice to be full-time.

So...I'm waiting, praying, letting God open doors as He knows is best. And I'm focusing on being faithful where I'm at and working hard with whatever comes my way.

That's where I am. Post-grad life is rough sometimes, but it just takes time. And patience, prayer, and a letting go of control.

God is good. Always.

Roots

I have been seriously considering moving back to the Midwest. I miss the culture, the people, the food, the accent, and the slower pace of life. And being closer to home would be wonderful. I was looking into Chicago or Indy or Detroit, which are all either big cultural and arts centers or a blooming film industry. And they all happen to be within 3-4 hours from my parents house. Random drives home for the weekend? You bet! Also, spending a few months at home while I looked into production would give me a chance to become a little more stable financially, and let me build up some savings. 

I realized the reason I wasn't doing so well finding production work here was because I had been dragging my feet. I realized I wasn't committed to being here, but I wasn't sure about going home either. (Fyi, being in limbo strains you financially, personally, professionally, and even stunts you spiritually.)

Chicago. It's a gorgeous city, it's huge in the arts, it's 3 hours from my house, they have better production companies and opportunities, and I have a couple of contacts there. Not filmmaking contacts, but friends. And my cousin has lived there for 4+ years and I'm sure would have lots of advice about where to live, where to avoid, etc. 

What am I doing here in Virginia Beach? I'm not particularly fond of the area. I have good friends here who would be bummed if I moved, but most of them would get over it. There are one or two who would be crushed, but even they would be fine. 

I started praying about it. I called my Dad. And I weighed the pros and cons.

Pros to going: I would love to be home/closer to home. I would have a (non-filmmaking) job right away, meaning financial stability. The Midwest is awesome. The possibility of living and working in Chicago is also awesome and suits me better than living here. If I'm going to make corporate videos, I'd rather do it in Chicago than here.

Cons to going: I have no filmmaking contacts in Chicago, and making those contacts would require a TON of hard legwork (gas money and time). It would take months. I have no solid body of work to show potential contacts as of yet. 

Pros to staying in VA Beach: I have a network of filmmaking contacts here. I love my church. I have good friends here. Regent is close by, and cool people come through there all the time. You never know who you might meet. I have a solid (part-time) job and can freelance on the side. I have an opportunity to make some corporate videos this fall that might eventually give me enough work to make filmmaking my full-time job so I only have to work at Cafe Moka on the side, instead of the other way around. 

Cons to staying in VA Beach: I'm not a fan of the area. I miss the Midwest. 

Conclusion: going home (and working at home) would help me be more financially stable now, but would probably hurt me in the future. Therefore, if I'm determined to work in the video production industry, moving right now would be borderline stupid. 

So...I'm officially staying for a year or two. I'm going to work hard and establish myself here, build a solid body of work, and use my current contacts to their full potential. My parents and I set up a tentative budget for me and made a list of things I need to do (like get an LLC, etc.) I made business cards and ordered them the other day. Here's a screenshot of the front and back: 

(It's a vertical style. Being artsy is highly encouraged in our field ;-)

It's amazing how making a commitment and having a plan changes your perspective. I now have a vision to work toward. Mini-opportunities are starting to pop up here and there, and I'm putting myself in a position to take advantage of them. 

I still miss the Midwest, but I have a peace about being here for now. I'll move back eventually, but it's just not time yet. Not yet. God knows where I need to be and what I need to be doing. I have a gut feeling that when it's time to relocate, the way will be clear and the opportunity will make sense. Until then, here I am!

Post-grad, month #2

I hate job hunting. You end up spending tons of time and energy and hope that at least a tiny percentage of it will pay off later. Meaning, you hope you get a phone call.

In my (desired) line of work, that means you hope you have established enough connections, know enough people, and have done good enough work for someone new to ask about you and if you're available for this shoot or that shoot.

I think I hate freelancing too. Oh dear.

I think I just want something more dependable, something regular. Therefore, I just now applied to a television studio for a production assistant position. Regular schedule, consistent pay, and experience in a wide spectrum of studio production positions. What's not to like?

I seriously hope they call me.

While you're in school, you're constantly working your butt off now for "later"--meaning everything you do is to help set you up for the future. Establishing connections, building a reel, perfecting a resume, etc. And you end up doing tons and tons and tons of work for free, because those connections, that reel, that resume, is supposed to be worth it...later.

I haven't reached my later. Aaaaaannnddd it's stressing me out.

Building a reel is good. Building a resume is good. Making connections is good. But we all have to eat.

School's over, folks. I'm declaring my pro bono days to be over, too. (With a few exceptions.)

Therefore, I'm going to start saying "no." Not because I don't have time, but because my time is actually worth something. I'm going to be more careful with it.

And I'm going to start charging to rent out my camera.

If we want to make cinema-television our profession, then we grads need to start respecting each other within that profession. When we do so much for each other for free, we're not doing each other any favors. Build a reel? Moot point. You build, develop and change your reel(s) throughout the course of your career. That doesn't mean you should work for free. If you want to be a professional, then insist on making a living. Be honest in what you charge, but charge.

I'm working on my last pro bono piece as we speak. It's a short documentary about a couple's love story and how God brought them together. They want to play it at their wedding in November. I love documentaries, but it's amazing how lack of financial incentive can actually kill creativity...I guess via the route of motivation. It's shameful.

I'm not mad at anyone except myself. I'm utterly frustrated with myself for not doing better with my time in school. I'm frustrated that I didn't take more risks, try harder roles, practice more, make more projects. I'm irritated that it took me forever to figure out what I actually liked about filmmaking, and therefore I didn't graduate with the strong reel I could have. I'm regretting having only spent two and half years on campus (where you actually do hands-on stuff) when I know that four would have put me in a drastically better place today.

Now I'm just trying to catch up. And trying to trust God when I have no idea how much or little effort to put in any one direction.

Post-grad

It's official! I'm no longer a student. I'm all grown up now :-) Maybe.

The challenges of the next few months: finding a place to rent (and filling out all the paperwork--yuck), finishing a resume, finishing the DVDs for La Calle Buena, and figuring out what's next.

What do I want to do? Camerawork for now. I love it. I'm not too knowledgeable with the whole exposure-shutter speed-numbers side of thing, but I'm learning. Hopefully I'll find a job as camera assistant or even camera operator by the fall.

What do I want to do in the future? Documentaries...or anything that involves a personal, human perspective. Corporate video? No, thanks. Unless there's some kind of a personal spin on it.

For an introvert, I sure do like people. Not that I like and can tolerate every kind of personality, but people in general fascinate me. One of my greatest joys is to step outside the "box" of my own perspective and see the world through someone else's eyes.

I've discovered the people are complicated, beautiful, broken creatures and that life is never as black and white as we try to make it seem. Everyone has their reasons and their choices that have led them to where they are now, whether good or bad. And often our tendency to label things and people as "bad" or "good" changes once we finally understand where they're coming from.

I believe that, as people, if we can walk a mile in each other's shoes instead of just reacting to one another's choices, we are starting to fulfill our call as Christians (or as human beings, really) to love one another and reflect our Maker.

Jesus dearly and deeply loved people, even though he often objected to their choices. He told the woman caught in adultery to "Go, and sin no more." He accepted her just as she was, yet loved enough to not let her stay as she was. God never lets us stay as we are, and it's the greatest mercy we encounter.

Love is not tolerance or blindly accepting everything as "good." Love is an unconditional desire for someone else to have their greatest good. Love can be a "no" just as much as a "yes." It's not weak or passive--in fact, love is the strongest, fiercest, most unrelenting, pro-active choice a person can make. What else requires us to die to the thing we want to protect the most--ourselves?

My thought is that if I can help someone see through someone else's eyes--even for a few minutes in a short documentary--then I am fulfilling God's call on my life to reflect Him in the world. I don't care about Hollywood, working my butt off to make a name for myself, or going down in history as a famous director or something. It's not what would make me happy. But when I die, I hope the people that know me and my work can say that I was someone who helped them love others more deeply and more truly, and that, because of that, they were able to experience God's love in a more personal way than ever before.

A year of favor

This is my last semester at Regent University. That's a weird thought. 

What's next after this? I don't know yet. I plan to stick around Va Beach for at least the summer, maybe longer, to take a break and just enjoy this stage of life. But I can't stay too long. I'm afraid of getting complacent.

If I could sum up this year, I would say that it's been both incredibly rough and incredibly blessed at the same time. I've been calling it a "year of favor" from the Lord. Never have I been more challenged in my life. And never have I been more aware of God directing my steps and being present in a very real, day-to-day way.

I do have some regrets when it comes to my college experience. 

First, I wish I could have had four whole years on campus, instead of only two-and-a-half (or technically just two, since summer doesn't count because I went home). I think that I would be much further along and more skilled than I am, and have more to offer as a filmmaker. I feel that, while I'm familiar with a whole range things required to make a film, I'm not proficient at anything in particular--which is a problem when you want to go out and get a job in the industry. 

My second regret is that I didn't push myself my first year here. I didn't maximize the time I had. I let the fact that I didn't know what I was doing keep me from trying things and from asking questions. I ended up doing a lot of production design and artsy stuff, which was still great experience, but I wish I would have been bold enough to ask to try other roles as well.

My third regret (well, not really a regret, but a reality) is that I've had to constantly juggle work and school. There are pros and cons to that, but I can't help but be envious of the students who come in and do nothing but study and practice their craft for four years. I've had to turn down offers because of work and I'm constantly trying to fit film shoots around my work schedule. It's also forced me to have super long days--such as a couple of weekends ago. 

That Friday I was up at 5:50am for an 8-hour shift at work, then buzzed over to campus as soon as I got off work at 4:00pm to meet up with the crew for a music video shoot. We shot all night, finishing Day 1 by 4:00am and I got home at 4:30am. I slept until noon, then was up again to make myself some food, pack for work and the shoot for that night, and spent a couple of hours calling people trying to find someone to take my place on set for a few hours that evening since I wouldn't be getting off work until 10:30. I worked 3-10:30pm, then went directly to set. We finished Day 2 at 4:30am, and I was home by 5:00am and slept until 1:30 and had a few glorious hours to relax before Day 3's crew call at 5:00pm. We shot all night again and finished at 4:00am. And then I slept for 6 hours (yay!) before I got up to work on stuff of my own.

I don't mean to whine; I knew it would be a tough weekend when I committed to this. I seriously love what I do. But juggling commitments is draining and I can't wait for the day when filmmaking is my real job instead of a "hobby."

Below are a few photos from that crazy weekend. We were shooting a music video for a local acoustic band called Bison (check them out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9smAxoCYcA). The song is called "Switzerland" and the story involved some really cool "fantasy world" scenes. The set design was AMAZING! (And the pictures aren't a good example of how gorgeous it was.) It was like an eclectic Narnia + vintage props + the best tree fort ever. Every child's dream :-)

That's my hand holding the slate. I was second assistant camera, so I slated each shot, kept camera records of lenses and shot names, and helped our first assistant cameraperson build and break down the camera rigs when needed.

Our camera operator and dolly grip hard at work.

A shot of the "fantasty world" set with all the cool lights and vintage stuff. The photo really doesn't do it justice. When I walked on set my jaw literally dropped. The place was gorgeous!

My friend Dan McCullum, the director of photography for this project, had texted me while I was on my way to Alaska for my sister's wedding and begged me to 2nd AC for the Bison shoot. I'm so glad I said yes. It was a great experience and the crew was fantastic! I'm going to really miss these folks when everyone graduates and moves on :(

TRIP UPDATE

Oh! Project update! Yes!

First of all, above is a picture of me and my crew being as awkward as humanly possible with 2 seconds notice (before the 10-sec. timer on the camera went off). We love this photo. We laughed so hard afterward we almost peed. It somehow captures our personalities perfectly. 

Now this is the official crew picture. Much nicer, and no one had any complaints because we all look good. Geez, I miss these people. 

Liz is still here but currently swamped with homework. Zach is in Austria at the moment, shooting a documentary with another classmate of mine about a man who was in the mafia at 17 and later became a Believer. Dan is in Peru at the moment, working for CBN. He's helping shoot a segment for Vida Dura, a program that airs on the Spanish version of the 700 Club.

Anyway, the trip to the Dominican Republic was awesome and productive. It was an incredibly packed and intense four days, but my crew was incredible and we got some really good interviews and b-roll shots of life in the community of El Callejon.

Each day consisted of shooting interviews and b-roll, then in the evenings we would watch the interviews and figure out our shooting plan for the next day based on what was said in the interviews. These pow-wow sessions were incredibly helpful because we would hash out story ideas and give feedback on what we had done so far. 

On top of working like mad, we even had time to do some random cultural things that I was hoping we would have time to do! I do think they all had an authentic Dominican experience, in spite of only being there four days! I made a list.

All the wonderful cultural things we got to do in just four days:

-go to Salto Jimenoa, and climb the huge boulders (Jimenoa is a waterfall)

-go for a drive and see some awesome landscapes

-eat rice and beans with a Dominican family

-drink coffee, Dominican-style

-eat mofongo, chofan, pastelitos and pica pollo (Dominican fast food: fried chicken and )

-drink chinola juice and coke made with real sugar

-suck on a piece of sugar cane

-visit the coffee factory

-shop downtown Jarabacoa

-see a legit dominoes game

-hike to the top of the hill overlooking the Jarabacoa valley

-see a cock fight (sort of)

-buy a machete

-play baseball with the kids

The only things missing were: dance merengue and ride a motorcycle. But that's ok. Next trip, haha!

Anyway, now the harder work begins: I have to translate and edit like mad in the next three weeks. God, help me!