How He Loves

The sermon at Grace was on Thomas today, but the Holy Spirit gave me a slightly different spin on some of the points. They hit home to me in a different way, I think.

A very brief summary of pastor’s notes and my own:

Thomas is commonly known as “doubting Thomas,” a definitely negative slant whenever his name is mentioned. But there was SO MUCH MORE to Thomas than his doubts.

Thomas (in the book of John) is mentioned 4 times: chapters 11, 14, 20 and 21. The first time demonstrates Thomas was a man of devotion. Jesus and his disciples had just left Bethany after the crowds tried to kill Jesus. Then in chapter 11, Lazarus had just died. Jesus said he would go back to Bethany to “wake Lazarus up” and devoted Thomas boldly declared that he would go with Him, even if it meant death. Thomas was the catalyst that convinced the other disciples to go. Obviously John thought it was important to mention him.

The second time is in John 14 where Thomas was the first disciple gutsy enough to admit he didn’t understand what Jesus was saying when He was talking about where he was “going to prepare a place for them.” This may perhaps be taking an interpretive liberty, but you get a sense that understanding was very important to Thomas, more than his own image.

The third time is the most famous instance: where Thomas says he won’t believe Jesus was alive unless he sees Him for himself. This isn’t a case of stubbornness or arrogance or weakness; Thomas was having a crisis of faith (as had the rest of the disciples before seeing Jesus). Thomas and the other disciples had had a certain understanding of who the Messiah was supposed to be and what He was supposed to do. Jesus spent his time with them preparing them to have a different vision, the true vision of God’s intents and purposes. But what He said and taught didn’t make sense until after the resurrection.

I feel for Thomas. I can identify with him in some ways; I sense the pain and defeat in his heart. His declaration of disbelief isn’t one of bitterness, stubbornness or arrogance. He is a broken man.

Someone else’s testimony couldn’t restore what Thomas had lost; his trust in Jesus was personal. He needed to see, he needed to touch, to experience. Jesus knew that and, out of His profound love for Thomas, pursued him. Christ returned a second time to the disciples specifically for Thomas. Thomas mattered to Him dearly.

If we think we are just cogs in the wheel of God’s kingdom, ever rolling forward, then we are mistaken. We’re not tools, not pawns, not purely vessels. He cares about each one of us individually. Our hearts matter to Him, our feelings, our trust—not to use us, but to fellowship with us. If we never did a thing for Him or His kingdom He would still pursue us relentlessly. He delights in us, He is passionate about each of us and desires relationship above all else.

“He is jealous for me.

He loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful You are

And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh how He loves us so

Oh how He loves us

How He loves us so!

We are His portion

He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If grace is an ocean

We’re all sinking

And Heaven meets Earth with an unforeseen kiss

My heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about

The way

He loves us

Oh how He loves us

Oh how He loves us

Oh how He loves us so!”

(“How He Loves,” David Crowder Band)

Think about it, soak it up.

Stop and listen for a while.

Stop and Listen

Post-grad is a scary phrase for many of us. The only ones who don't feel a little nervous twinge are those students who a) have had their goals and plans in mind since they were 4 years old (lucky), b) are sloths and don't care at all and whose parents made them go get an education, or c) are planning to go to grad school anyway, so they have no huge decisions to make yet.

The other group consists of students like me who have FINALLY figured out what they want to do but aren't sure about how to go about doing it. The

re are so many options out there it is overwhelming. And then the doubts come. Am I good enough? Did I learn enough, am I prepared? Where should I be looking? What if I fail? What if I can't find a job and have to--gasp!--move back in with my PARENTS??

And then there's that especially annoying little voice in your head that says you need to get your act together before you graduate and figure everything out so you don't WASTE TIME.

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Take another step, move forward! You'll never get anywhere if

you don't walk. God only gave you one life, you know. So, go, go, go!

Well, shut up, little voice. I'm sick of being stressed out because of you.

And the thing is, I'm not so stressed out anymore. God gave me a gentle shake yesterday when I came across a quote by Bethany Dillon about her album "Stop and Listen." It inspired the following:

I’m not called

To be anything

To do anything

To go anywhere

To say something

To know the next step

To better myself

To step out

To rise above

To accomplish

I am called to stop

And listen.

Wonderfully simplistic, and wonderfully true. So often we define our waking moments by "The Call" on our lives: Are we where God wants us to be? Are we doing what He's called us to do? Are we fulfilling our mission?

The truth is that God wants us to stop spinning around in circles and instead just sit at His feet. THIS is the real Call on our lives, every day. Just listen. Read His Word. Commune with Him. Fellowship with His Holy Spirit. And the physical result of this is that "The Call" will fall into place. We will hear what He needs us to hear, be where He wants us to be, do what He wants us to do.

Just stop, and listen.

R&R: Religion and Relationship

"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach.

"It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, 'Who will ascend into heaven to get it and to proclaim it to us so that we may obey it?'

"Nor is it beyond the sea so that you have to ask, 'Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so that we may obey it?'

"No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so that you may obey it.

..."I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.

"For the LORD is your life..."

Deut. 30:11-20, TNIV

The fact that the God of Heaven is a relational God, the "God with us" (e.g., Matt. 1:23) is something we take for granted too often. Growing up in the church is a tremendous blessing, but can also be a burden. It's far too easy to become a part of the "church culture" rather than the kingdom culture Christ called us to.

My church, Open Door Church in Suffolk, VA, recently had a worship conference. I was unable to attend because I was back in Indiana, but I've been working my way through the recordings online. Chris DuPre was one of the speakers. While the messages were geared specifically toward worship leaders and in the context of worship and music, the underlying principles apply to everyone.

Some quotes, notes and comments on Chris' first message:

"Anything that replaces relationship becomes religious."

Awe, rejoicing, intimacy: all three are needed in worship and in relationship (and therefore, in the life of a true believer). Churches tend to emphasize one or two areas in their worship, but rarely do you find a balance of all three. What happens is people become comfortable with certain types of songs but not others because these are the songs that "resonate" with them. For example, some congregations may love the intimate "bridal" songs but couldn't worship with a dance song to save their lives.

When these three areas (awe, rejoicing, intimacy) are out of balance, what happens is their lives become devoid of whatever area is lacking. Then relationship is replaced by religion. For example, people may "become religious with their thanksgiving" or "they say words of awe but they don't have a relationship that has awe in it. There's never a bowing in their heart outside of the four walls of the church." Relationship has gone away but the need to express this aspect of worship remains. If I am lacking one of the aspects in my walk with God, I will try to fill that void in worship "with other people's songs." If there's nothing to draw from within myself, I will feed off of other people's fire.

Ouch.

When you lose the walking part of relationship, it has to be replaced by a system. For worship leaders that might mean choosing songs that we know people like, or for a pastor that might mean using certain terminology that has been effective. We "do what works. We become a little more 'professional' and a little less relational." You still do it, but the reason you do it changes.

Ouch again.

Here is a deep confession: I feel as though my walk with God is in constant danger of becoming religious. Constant danger. So often I tend to have this distance, this spiritual system that draws on the theoretical, the theological, the "church culture" stuff I grew up with. I know God because of everything I've studied and read and He does answer my prayers, but (thank God!!) it's just not enough anymore. I want more, more of Him. I want more relationship, I want to experience Him.

I need a breakthrough. Again.

And I may have had a little one this morning.

(More on that later...)

Tidbits

This post is just a random hodgepodge of things I've been doing this past semester and this past week. Expect randomness.

Below is a link to the first draft of the video Mrs. Pots co-starred in. Ok, actually she had only a small supporting role, but still...

I did most of the production design for this shoot and a couple of random extra things, like rigging the shoelaces to break on cue. I love the look of this piece! The crew was a bunch of really talented people. Mary Ahlman directed and edited, Tim Kay was director of photography. Jeff Fazakerly stars as Garrett.

http://vimeo.com/23118142

Below is a link to another project called "The Ratio" that I worked on this spring, but just as an extra. Part of it was filmed at Cafe Moka, the coffee shop where I work. I was the liaison for this location. This is just the trailer; the whole thing should be done by July.

Jordan Imhoff directed, Austin Burnett was DP, Derrick Collins edited. Malcolm Fitschen and Meg Lang star.

http://vimeo.com/21850278

Below is a link to a project on underage sex trafficking called "Alone." I was the 2nd assistant director for this shoot. Again, this is just the trailer, but the whole project should be finished sometime this summer.

Daniel McCullum directed, Austin Burnett was DP, Jamie Malone and Derrick Collins edited. Gabrielle Davison and Jeff Fazakerly star. (Fantastic actors, by the way!)

http://alone2011.com/

News update:

-I moved off-campus. It's nice to be in a real house, but I have to find some furniture on a shoestring budget before I can officially say I've settled and unpacked. A lot of my stuff is strewn all over my room still.

-Went to the Regent Student Film Showcase Tuesday night. SO AWESOME!!! None of the projects I was a part of actually made it to the final showcase roster (they could only show 10 out of the dozens and dozens submitted) but it was still fun.

-I'm in the process of unpacking, and it looks like I will be for a while because I don't have a ton of storage or furniture at present. I have a bed and a nightstand, which were in the room already, and today I just ordered a white corner desk from Overstock.com It should be here in a couple of weeks. I'm still looking for white bookshelves and a dresser, but I'm going to wait until the desk gets here. I heard somewhere that when it comes to decorating (and to dressing yourself!) you should pick one piece and build the rest of your decor (or outfit) around it. Haha, now if only I would consistently put that into practice! It would probably eliminate the hodgepodge feel of my room and wardrobe.

Decorating (and picking out an outfit) is supposed to be fun, and in theory it is. But I find that in practice, it's just stressful for me. How do I fix that? No idea, but I'll be working on it this summer, starting with refusing to feel guilty for spending any money on decorating my room. I'm discovering how important it is for me to feel like I have my own space to relax in. Atmosphere is significant. I'll consider any money spent on creating it an investment in my sanity.

Quick update

Super-quick update because I'm supposed to be working on a paper right now:

--Mrs. Pots aged beautifully: worn spots, dings and dents. I never did get her to rust, but I scratched up the metal handle pretty well and it looked marvellous. Sorry I don't have "before" and "after" shots to show you.

--I got a MacBook Pro! I feel like I'm finally a legitimate media/communications/film student. Now I have to somehow buy Microsoft Office ($120 which I don't have) for Macs and Final Cut Pro ($500-800!!! which I OBVIOUSLY don't have) before I can really use it like I planned to. Currently I'm still writing papers and stuff on my old dinosaur of a PC because I don't have Microsoft Word on my Mac yet. And as soon as I get Final Cut Pro I will be able to edit on my own computer and avoid going to the library to edit on the computers there. ....Praying, praying, praying!!!!

--I have one Spanish paper and one cinematography exam to do this week then I'm DONE with the semester! I have mixed feelings about that; I can't wait to finish and rest my brain but I'm terribly sad because the time we all finish classes is the time everyone leaves for the summer. Poop. :-(

--I'm also MOVING off-campus this week. Ashley, an awesomely fun co-worker of mine, and I are both renting rooms in a house not far from where we work. The couple who owns the house are good friends of ours, so I'm really looking forward to moving in.


Things you can pray for:

1) wisdom concering decisions/direction for the future. This is the season where I have to start making those big steps in one direction or another. Pray for doors to open as God chooses and to shut as God chooses, and also that I'll have the spiritual sensitivity to hear what He is saying and to follow His direction.

2) financial provision. This is a big and scary thing for me right now. I'm not starving and I still have clothes on my back, but let's just say I've experienced the "Jireh" aspect of God like never before! It's been awesome and scary and frustrating at times but I'm definitely learning to trust. I'm currently working part-time and can hopefully get enough hours to be full-time, but if not, I need a second part-time job. But a second job would also bring a ton of complications with schedule, transportation, limitations on my availability for film projects this summer, etc. I'm not sure what to do, and I need to be making some decisions fast. Pray for direction.

3) opportunities to improve my craft. The more I learn here, the more I realize I don't know anything. And that's pretty scary when you are close to being able to graduate and you feel like you don't yet have much to offer the industry in the form of skills/talents/abilities. It's very limiting and scary; I don't feel prepared at all. Afer this summer I'll have 4 classes left, which I could do in one semester, but one of the classes is only offered in the spring, so since I'll have to wait til spring 2012 to finish anyway, I thought I would just do 2 in the fall and 2 in the spring and give myself time to enjoy them. Pray that I learn a lot!


Thanks everyone, for reading and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. Know that you are in mine as well.

"A spoonful of sugar..."

I am not a coffee addict. I am a Cafe Moka coffee addict. There is a difference--because not all coffees are created equal.

I like my coffee black and my espresso slightly sweet, just enough to take the edge off the smokiness. One of my favorite drinks is a small cafe caribbean latte with one packet of raw sugar instead of the usual three. The Sugar in the Raw adds just a hint of caramel-ly sweetness and lets the espresso flavors shine. It's WONDERFUL!

I love the days when I work at Cafe Moka because not only do I get to make fabulous coffee drinks and attempt to make latte art, but I get two drinks during my shift.

So yummy!

(btw I did NOT make the gorgeous rosetta in the pic above)

Currently I don't work on Wednesdays because I have three classes, so that means no coffee. By four in the afternoon I had a horrible headache, so I did what desperate, broke, baristas might possibly do: I made myself a cup of "crap coffee." (That's snobbish barista code for store-bought coffee. Yes, I'm afraid I am officially a coffee snob.)

The only coffee Nicole and I have in our room is leftover from catering a film shoot last fall. Yep, that's right, from fall 2010. The plastic container has been sitting on our counter for months. Eewww.

Store-bought coffee has almost twice the caffeine of high-end coffee because it is made of cheap robusta beans versus arabica beans. Read: I believe it's proper use is medicinal. SO...in the spirit of keeping myself awake and simultaneously destroying my headache, I prepared to force myself to gulp down two whole cups.

But this wasn't just black coffee...this was black crap coffee. Could I do it??? Could I get two cups down without destroying my tastebuds?

Creamer and sugar to the rescue! There's a reason the majority of the nation can't drink their coffee black. Like Mary Poppins said, "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." It worked and my headache is fading at this very moment. Now I have a long night of Spanish ahead of me as I prepare for my presentation tomorrow. Eewww.

How to distress a teapot

I feel slightly guilty.

I'm sitting before my computer researching ways to destroy Mrs. Pots. And not just a let's-run-over-her-with-my-car-and-see-what-happens kind of destruction. It must look unplanned, accidental, unavoidable--the perfect crime.

I thought I had something when I planned to buy a pack of steel wool and just scratch her to death, but on closer inspection I discovered that her perfect porcelain skin was labeled extremely durable and I rejected that idea. Extra-rough sandpaper? Maybe. Chemicals? Too complicated. Throw her down the stairs? Humph. What good would that do?

Perhaps I can just kick her around the parking lot. She's bound to be scratched up at least a little! (excited shiver) Maybe even dented!

The internet is usually a wealth of information about topics like these, but this time it's really missing the mark. It seems like everyone online wants to fix the very problems I'm trying to cause; at least that's all the info I can find. I may have to conjure up my own methods of destruction. Gosh, and all because she's porcelain-coated and not just metal! Why does she have to be so difficult?!

The art department of the film industry is an odd and backwards buisness. We take items that are perfectly good and ruin them--on purpose. We stain cloth, make blood out of corn syrup and food coloring, rip clothes, bend metal, smash bricks, crack glass and make wood look like it's been through a war. Our cool cousin, the special effects department, blows things up. It's awesome.

In the art department we also have to know random facts, like exactly how long it takes a hot plate to get red-hot, or whether a 5-inch clay flower pot will crack or shatter when dropped from a height of 36 inches, or what kind of styrofoam looks most like metal when painted, or how much impact a mop handle can "handle" (haha) during a stunt fight. Almost everything we learn is through trial and error--either ours or someone else's. Experimenting is the fun (and expensive) part!

So these kinds of questions are things I'm going to be dealing with this week. I'm doing production design/props for a grad student's film this weekend. It's a smaller shoot, which is really nice, and the storyline sounds interesting and fairly simple for production design. Since we're nearing the end of the semester I couldn't have committed to anything bigger at the moment. I need to finish some of my own projects and have time to enjoy the last few weeks of this school year. I've been blessed to be able to work on more shoots this semester than ever before and I'm loving it! You know that you've earned a good reputation when people you don't known terribly well ask you to help out. Becoming known is so important in this industry, and school is supposed to be practice for the real world.

The director of the project for this weekend is a grad student who is working on her portfolio piece. I met her in January on a film shoot and worked with her briefly on an undergrad film last weekend. Her name is Mary, she's a fun and fabulous person, has a good reputation, is really easy to get along with, and I love her artistic vision. I had told myself last weekend that I was done with shoots for the semester, but when she asked me I was so honored I couldn't help but say yes--especially when I read her script. And the crew will be me and her and ten guys, and I figured that was a very nice ratio ;-) Just kidding, but it is funny!

Back to the task at hand.

Rust. Now that is a bigger issue than just scratches. How can I make Mrs. Pots' stainless steel handle have a touch of rust by next Thursday? I can't fake it with paint because they are actually going to use the prop on set and I'm afraid the paint will smoke and burn off. Come on, Google, give me something here...Sigh....All I can find is chemical methods. Fail, fail, fail. I don't have the time, money, location or knowledge to work with chemicals like that.

Well, parking lot it is. I'm going to run outside and drag Mrs. Pots around between parked cars for a while. If that doesn't work...uh...I don't know...I guess I'll figure it out later.